I want to warn people that there may be triggers in this post about rape.
The Onion reports on what he meant to say when he ‘misspoke‘.
As a politician, I often find myself in situations where, unfortunately, I express a certain thought or idea poorly, or find my words taken out of context. Indeed, that is what happened this weekend. Upon reviewing the impromptu remarks I made Sunday afternoon, I can now see that I used the wrong words in the wrong way. I would now like to set the record straight with the American people and clear up some confusion about what it was I intended to convey.
You see, what I said was, “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” But what I meant to say was, “I am a worthless, moronic sack of shit and an utterly irredeemable human being who needs to shut up and go away forever.”
Just in case you weren’t sure what he meant,
if you actually go back and look at the remarks closely, you’ll see that what I was actually trying to convey in my statement was that
- I am a big fucking idiot,
- I am a nauseating slug of a human being who doesn’t deserve to live, and
- I am essentially everything that’s wrong with this country and with humanity in general.
Honestly, that’s all I was trying to get across there. It was a simple misunderstanding, really.
A man like this is easily confused about such things.
In a related article, The Onion also gives us the story of a women who was relived to find out that she wasn’t legitimately raped.
“Being violently coerced into having sex was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, so I take comfort in knowing it wasn’t actually rape,” Byars said of the vicious encounter in which she was accosted in an alleyway by a stranger, pinned to the ground, and penetrated against her will for 25 minutes. “It was absolutely horrific—I felt violated in the worst way imaginable—but thanks to Congressman Akin, I now realize it must, at some level, have been consensual after all.”
“Thank God for that,” Byars added. “I’m so relieved to know that my child’s father, the man who muffled my screams as he forcefully penetrated me over and over and left me hemorrhaging to death on the street, is not a rapist.”
Satire can be the most effective weapon against such despicable scum as Akin, and no-one is better at the art of satire than the writers at The Onion.