After the Apocalypse, Porn Will Survive

We all know that as predicted by the Mayan calendar, the world will end sometime next year. Perhaps it will arrive as soon as next month. No matter, end it must—in four years or four billion years, like our own deaths, planetary destruction is inevitable.

One thing that will survive the apocalypse is porn, Pink Visual style.

Pink Visual announced today that the company has begun construction on an enormous underground bunker in preparation for the widely-anticipated global apocalypse that various prophetic sources have predicted will take place in late 2012.

According to Pink Visual spokesman Quentin Boyer, the bunker is envisioned as “far more than a mere bomb shelter or subterranean survivalist enclave,” adding that the company “intends to ride out the 2012 apocalypse in style.”

“When we first began discussing this project, our initial vision wasn’t particularly ambitious,” Boyer said. “The idea was to create a shelter capable of sustaining only the Pink Visual staff and members of our immediate families. Then we started to think of all the performers, fans and business partners that helped make Pink Visual the success it is today, and we simply couldn’t bear the thought of leaving all those wonderful people behind to face the End of Days.”

While Pink Visual has declined to disclose the location of the bunker for the moment, citing “security concerns,” Boyer did relate a few details concerning some unexpected amenities that the shelter will feature, including multiple fully-stocked bars, an enormous performing stage and sophisticated content production studio.

“We’re not building this thing just to eke out a few more months of a deprived, downscaled existence,” Boyer said. “Our goal is nothing less than to survive the apocalypse to come in comfort and luxury, whether that catastrophe takes the form of fireballs flung Earthward by an all-seeing deity, extended torrential rainfall, Biblical rapture, an earthquake-driven mega-tsunami, radioactive flesh-eating zombies, or some combination of the above. We also intend to maintain our website update schedule throughout the ordeal, even if those websites are only available on the bunkers self-contained local network by that time.”

While Boyer conceded that building the bunker is “obviously a major undertaking” he said he remains confident that Pink Visual will complete all major construction by September, 2012, and that the bunker will be fully operational well before the end of the “Great Cycle” tracked by the Mayan Calendar Stone.

“We need to allow time for extensive quality control of our critical infrastructure, and the move-in process itself will be a logistical challenge,” Boyer said. “We’re very confident in our plan, and firm in our belief that Pink Visual, as well as our fans, friends and financiers, will survive and thrive in the Post-Apocalyptic Era.”

Boyer said that the company is still “actively and vigorously debating” the selection criteria for all non-Pink Visual personnel who will take refuge in the bunker, adding that the selection process will “likely include both merit-based and random selections, with Pink Visual performers, active site members and twitter followers getting priority over the general public.”

Pink Visual's Bunker (click to enlarge)

The bunker will hold 1200 to 1500 people, and The LAWeekly asks that all important question:

Can guests have crazed, last-man-and-woman-on-Earth sex, right out in the open?, we ask. (You’re welcome.)

“Inevitably, I suppose, that will happen,” he answers. “It’s hard to say how people would respond to an actual apocalypse. [But] we’re not ones to tell people not to have sex.”

So there you have it. The world may not survive, but porn will go on.

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