Aspirin and Sex

It is no secret that the right wing in the US is against both abortion and birth control. This attitude is not limited to the Catholic hierarchy, but extends to the evangelical base of the Republican Party. The rhetoric has increased with President Obama’s insistence that all employers, including religious organizations, provide health plans that include access to birth control for women.

A few days ago, one of Republican candidate Rick Santorum’s biggest supporters weighed in on this debate.

Foster Friess, the retired mutual fund executive from Wyoming who has been basking in the spotlight recently thanks to his six-figure donations to a ‘super PAC’ backing Santorum, made the remark in an interview with NBC’s Andrea Mitchell.

“This contraception thing, my gosh, it’s so inexpensive,” Friess said. “You know, back in my days, they’d use Bayer aspirin for contraceptives. The gals put it between their knees and it wasn’t that costly.”

Anyone with a bit of common sense can see the misogyny in that statement, as well as the nostalgia for a mythical past.

The Not So Secret blog has an answer to Friess, where the author describes how Aspirin, or other pill like objects such as M&Ms, are not only incapable of preventing pregnancy, but can actually be used to facilitate sexual pleasure. Thus, in the absence of proper contraceptives increase the chance of pregnancy.

Read further at your own risk (or pleasure)

There are levels of difficulty, some of which would be difficult at my age and level of flexibility.

The Beginner positions:

1) Doggie With Aspirin: On your hands and knees, squeeze an aspirin between your knees and let your partner penetrate you however s/he wants to. It’s easy to keep the aspirin safe in this position.

2) Missionary With A Headache: After a long day saving souls, even the most devout missionary will want to lie face down on a comfy bed. But, a devout missionary will never cease to serve, and if your partner has needs, just lay in bed, face down, and squeeze an aspirin between your knees. If you keep it safe by not letting it drop, then you can go ahead and swallow before sleeping soundly.

Intermediate positions

1) Jackknife: Lying flat on your back, stretch your legs straight up in the air at a 90-degree angle. Hold an aspirin between your knees and press your legs together tightly so it doesn’t fall out. You will notice that, in this position, your entire core is contracted, meaning that you can easily do kegels while being fucked. Sure, it’s great exercise, what with all that leg flexing and kegel squeezing, but it also makes sex feel better for both you and your partner. Rumor has it that this will activate your G-Spot while squeezing a penis even tighter. Obviously, if you’re being fucked with a dildo, your partner won’t care about the kegels, but you will! (This is good advice, even if you’re the type of brazen hussy who likes to fuck without an aspirin between your knees.)

While you’re at it, have your partner push your legs down towards your chest, keeping them straight and tight, and you’ll get a killer hamstring stretch. Again, if you’re sore after all the stretching and flexing, just take the aspirin in the end.

2) Tipped Chair: Very much like the jackknife, but with knees bent. The benefit here is that although the aspirin will stay safe and sound between your knees, your lover can push your knees all the way to your chest, which will bring your ass up, but kind of pushes your girlie-bits down, again providing maximum G-Spot potential. This also increases the spankability factor, which may be necessary, seeing as you are obviously a bad girl, finding a way to fuck while employing the tried and true aspirin-between-the-knee chastity measures.

And one advanced position

1) Windmill: Start in the jackknife position, but have your lover push your legs down to one side, then up towards your head, then over to the other side, then back up again. Essentially, you are making a giant circle with your legs, all while holding them tight and protecting that sacred aspirin. When you find a spot you both really like, just make tiny circles there for a  bit, then resume the pattern. Play with this, as it really changes the pressure and sensation for both you and your partner as your body changes positions. This is a good one.

Of course, Friess is correct in stating that the only effective method of birth control is abstinence. However, even if he and his ilk had their way and sex was reserved for married couples, without contraceptives we would return to the status of previous generations where women were relegated to popping babies out at regular intervals with all of the associated health risks.

In the interview with NBC, Friess continued

“I get such a chuckle when these things come up,” he said. “Here we have millions of our fellow Americans unemployed. We have jihadist camps being set up in Latin America, which Rick has been warning about, and people seem to be so preoccupied with sex. I think it says something about our culture.”

Our culture is undoubtedly infused with sex, but the religious right is the only group who is obsessed with controlling the sex lives of the rest of us. Any amount of thought at all reveals these people as advocates for white male privilege with a desire to return women to their station of the 19th century and before.

Friess later apologized, and Santorum distanced himself from the remarks, but it seems to me that the damage has been done. But then, I’m not an American voter.

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